The Sage at Work…

“If you find someone else in love with you and you don’t love him, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return.  Do not take advantage; do not cause pain.  How do you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.”

              -Kent Nerburn (A Letter to my Son)

 

 

“Before I answer that, are you aware that I have a boyfriend?”

Josh was stunned.   He had no idea that she is in a relationship, neither did she insinuated anything about it during their past conversations.  “She has a boyfriend?” he asked himself.  “How could that be?  If she has one, why bother texting and spend some time and effort on me instead of her boyfriend?  He could always be available for her in case she needs someone to talk with… or is he?”

Anne’s reply numbed Josh, for her texts that ensued didn’t get a quick response.  As if there was a bomb that exploded between his ears, making him paralyze and completely oblivious to his surroundings.  “Am I being played?” he asked himself.  “How come I didn’t see this?”  “If she is in fact have a boyfriend, where does she really spend most of her time?”

He received five more messages from Anne before he could pull himself together to dispel his quandary and finally respond to her texts.  She was awfully concerned about him, but for Josh, it doesn’t matter anymore.  All analysis seemed to have shut down, and no amount of reasoning was present at the moment because he is consumed with uncertainty and doubts.  More importantly, he doubted Anne’s true motive.  His judgment was clouded with emotions, his error.  “Did I read her wrong?  Did I miss any signs?”

“No, Anne.  I was not aware.  And I didn’t know.”  Josh replied as he lurched to regain his footing.  “No one told you?  Not even one from our classmates told you?  You never asked anyone?” she asserted.  Josh was a little incensed about her remarks.  His ears pricked.  He thought, “Was there ever a reason to investigate you? You should have told me about it.”

Amid the turmoil and confusion, Josh realized that there is a glaring error on his part, and it seems to be resonating within him.  Her actions reverberated in his mind, remembering Anne was awfully too convenient, too kind to be practicing such belief without trepidation and hypocrisy.  In short, she was too good to be true.  It keeps on occurring, reminding him that he had failed to remember one basic premise when looking beyond the obvious: how could something be so right could be so wrong? 

“A few years ago,” as he began typing his message, “I had an accident and suffered some memory lost.  I never thought I would want to be in that position again in my life.”  For some reason, whether Anne was trying to be naïve or playing to be good natured, she failed to understand Josh’s idiom and mindlessly asked, “What do you mean it would be nice right now?  Does it mean… you wanted to forget everything that’s happening with you right now?”

The scenario that Josh was into can be considered as luck was working on his side, because no one can see how his emotions were unkempt albeit he exerted a lot of effort to conceal it through his responses in SMS.

Realizing that the conversation was going nowhere, Josh decided to end it as soon as possible.  Josh politely told Anne that he wanted to take a walk and be alone for a while.  Obviously, she failed to “see” that there was something wrong.  Why would anyone want to walk that late (10:45 p.m.), much less to say it was raining like cats and dogs from where Josh was living?

“I was taken for a fool,” Josh kept telling himself.  “After being completely honest with her this is what I get.  I should never have divulged my feelings.  I’m a complete idiot!”

He couldn’t sleep as much as he tried and wanted to, because the thoughts of being played and taken for a ride were too glaring as an error.  Questions began to pour in his head; he contemplated how it all began.  Then he realized it’s been more than a month now.  She had ample time to let him know that she has a boyfriend.  Why the delay?  

Josh contemplates, “Maybe she has a problem with him?  Maybe their having some problems with their relationship?”  He decided to let it pass, thinking he must only be affected by the sudden rush of reality in his system.  “Come to think of it, I still didn’t get any answer from her… I’ll ask her again, tomorrow!  How come she keeps dodging the question?”

7:30 a.m. at Josh’s office.

Pensively looking at the blinking cursor on his cell phone, Josh kept pondering on one question, should he still text Anne about his question or not?  Does he still want it?  His feelings prevailed.  “You know what, I still didn’t get any answer from you,” read Josh’s SMS.

The reply was quick, but vague.  “You’re special.” 

Josh couldn’t help but get a little more incensed about that message, so he replied in a sardonic tone, “So I’m special.  I guess I’m a retard or something.”

“No,” was the only response that Anne could muster.

“There could be a lot of meaning that can be attached in that word.  Special for what?  Special child, special shock absorber, special friend, special reserve, special anything.” 

“Special friend.” She lamely replied.

“I can’t believe this!  This is pathetic!”  Josh exclaimed to himself.  “What does she think of me?  A fool and exceptionally naïve about this kind of thing??  How lame could she get?”

Irritated, Josh stashed his cell phone away and decided to put everything on hold, concentrating on the task at hand.  While writing a memo, Josh couldn’t shake the question out of his mind.  “Why can’t she give me a straight answer?  I’m a big boy now and certainly could handle any rejection.  If the answer is ‘no’ then fine!  I’ll lick my own wounds!  If it’s something like ‘I like you but I’m confused right now and currently engage in a relationship’ is something I could understand much better than throwing me into a lot of confusion!  What is this?  Some kind of jig-saw crap that I have to fill in the blanks?”

Then, his cell phone beeped as a message was received.  “Can we still be good friends?”  Josh realized a lot of things were out of place, further fueling his annoyance.  He said, “This is vague, really vague.  I know she’s smart but is this the best answer she could give?  And as long I cannot rule out my suspicions, I won’t be at peace.  Why can’t she say ‘I only like you as a friend’ rather than prolonging the agony?”

Josh decided to reply, “You know what, Anne, I’m not asking for your hand or forcing things out that we should have a relationship other than being friends right now.  All I’m asking you is to be clear and direct to the point on where I stand.  It is not good to throw someone in a pool of confusion.”

His cell phone ran silent.  Minutes passed, and each passing minute seemed like eternity.  But there was no message sent.  Anne’s silence only complicated things, for it aroused a lot of suspicions, a caveat that Josh failed to see.

What does she want?  Why can’t she answer a simple question?  What is she waiting for?  Is she afraid?  If she is, then what is she afraid of?  These questions flooded Josh’s consciousness.

At lunch break, he received a text message from Anne.  “To be perfectly honest with you, I find you admirable in terms of sweetness and honesty.  Can we still be good friends?”

By this time, Anne statement threw Josh’s senses off the scale.  He knows something was wrong with that statement.  Not that a potential sign of rejection is lurking but the word honesty in Anne’s statement.  He knows it is not a regular part of her diction.  By experience and what he has learned from dealing with people with unscrupulous documents, something is out of place.  It denotes a lie, and she’s been lying all this time but chose not to at the moment.  Josh temporarily suspended that notion because he wanted to give Anne the benefit of the doubt.  Above all, she is entitled to explain her side.

“I’ll talk to her face to face… tomorrow.”  Josh promised to himself.

CTP class around 10:14 a.m. outside room 210.

While waiting for the room to be vacant in Philosophy, most of us were outside reviewing for the summative test.  Some of us went to grab something to eat, while the others were simply reviewing for the exam.  I know Josh wanted to be alone that day, because as he said, there seems to be a problem in their office aside from the fact that he still hasn’t reviewed anything yet.  I myself was a bit frantic, and couldn’t pay much attention to anybody at the moment, and then I remembered I had to get the OHP in the dean’s office.

When I got back, I saw two of our classmates were talking to him.  I thought maybe they were brainstorming for the coming summative test and went on with my business.  Little did I know that Josh was already brewing inside because the unthinkable happened: one of our classmates told him that Anne was only toying with him and his feelings and they were conniving on whether who would win in their little wager (at the time I was not aware of it either, none of us were).  Albeit Josh was trying to put on a poker face, I can sense he was not really in the mood for anything else.  His aura was exuding a lot of tell tale signs that he should be left alone.  I thought he must be exerting a lot of effort just to conceal much more to contain his emotions at the moment. 

But as professional as he is, he did not say a word against any of our classmates, he went through the motions and took the exam; the only difference was he was quieter than usual.  No quips of jokes that seems to apply in a given situation or no Jedi-like wisdom to explain a particular incident.  Only an air of silence.

Josh’s predicament was further aggravated when after our exam; he learned that he was not included in the “matrix” which was due on that same day.  He casually asked why he was not included in the list of people who were given a photocopy of it.  Unaware of what was going on (whether due to insensitivity or indifference); Michelle facetiously remarked that she and Fay were from the same province that’s why she was given the chance to have a copy.  Our president, however, was trying to pacify Josh in a way that he, too, was not included and therefore was left out.  Still trying to keep his emotions under control, he walked away and left the room.  I was then supposed to return the OHP when I saw Josh outside our room and asked if I can come with him for a minute.

He told me everything what he had discovered.  From Anne’s uncertainty and how she was trying to obscure the facts down to their little “game”.  I don’t know whether Josh is only kind-hearted or playing dumb, but he insisted that he is still giving Anne the benefit of the doubt.  He reasoned that he has to hear it from her, to be certain. 

“Why don’t you talk to her after class?”  I inquired.  

“It will only make matters worse.  Besides, I cannot talk to anyone especially to her if I’m carrying an emotional baggage as big as this.  I may say something that I will only regret at the end.”  He explained.

I politely said I have to talk to our college dean and if he could wait for a minute.  When I was done I saw him standing near our campus, brooding.

“Josh?”

He sighed for a moment, and then he replied, “I think I need some space, Israel.  I need to think everything alone.”

That day was as lugubrious as it is for him.  As if everything was in the proper place to aggravate his situation.  The thick, dark clouds loomed over as if emphasizing if not sympathizing with his predicament.  Josh bid his goodbye and disappeared into the crowd.

That night, he received numerous SMS from Anne, asking if she did something wrong.  She was also asking a reply from Josh, apparently consumed and agonizing that he may have discovered something, almost practically begging to text her back.  He obstinately did not comply.

On the next day, Anne continued to text Josh incessantly, hoping that he would at least say something.  But all her efforts were in vain.

At midnight, before Josh went to the airport he emailed Anne.  Amid his frustrations and anguish, he wrote everything how he felt.  He said that Anne shouldn’t have entertained him and shouldn’t have texted things that would insinuate that there is a possibility that Anne would reciprocate his feelings.  Moreover, Anne should have told him in the course of their conversations and exchange of SMS that she has a boyfriend so that Josh would have known his limits, and might have kept his feelings at bay.  He emphasized, “Like what I did when I told you everything.”  And more importantly, he asked her if what Sarah told him is true or not.  He typed it from a non-accusatory tone, “As far as I know you, you don’t have the inkling of being such a person as what our classmates have divulged and claimed.  I hope you could tell me that what they just said is not true.”

One hour later, at Boracay Island.

At the hotel, Josh simply wanted to unwind and temporarily forget the turmoil he was in.  At dusk he stood in the balcony, basking at the gentle breeze, immersing himself with the wonderful view that island provided to tourists and natives alike.  The sky was still dark and there was no sign of the sun in the horizon but there were no stars on the sky, only hues of midnight to dark blue colors blending near the horizon.  He took a deep breath, enjoying the fresh air that he seldom experience in the city.

The sky was beginning to be bright red as the first ray of the sun rises from the horizon when he decided to go to the shore.  As he was stretching for the morning breeze of the sea, his phone rang.  It was one of his office mates, telling him to get back in Manila as soon as possible if he is still interested to get his job back.  Josh argued he had just arrived, not to mention the trouble of financial charged he incurred for the reservations.  “We’ll cover it,” said the person on the other end of the line, “just get your a— back here, now!”

Then he thought of Anne, and his email.  He realized that he may have said things without preamble and it may be construed harsh rather than what it may have originally intended and might hurt her feelings in return.  He thought of this as the problem with emails, you don’t know how it was said or what emotions it may contain.  It’s all words, and the person reading it, whether lacks hindsight or otherwise, may think and take everything wrong.  Though he is not completely familiar with the terrain, Josh restlessly looked for an internet café in the hope to email her and tell her just to forget about his query because he was only overwhelmed with a lot of things at the moment.

On his way back to Manila, he felt a little nostalgia towards her.  He missed her.  As he was nearing his destination, Josh prayed so hard to at least be given a sign: a sign that is so simple he wouldn’t have to interpret it anymore, that he and Anne would be okay and go on.  No puzzles, no paradox, no profound message within a message, but only a simple sign that he and Anne would be okay again.  When his plane landed, Josh rushed home almost violating practically all the traffic rules and regulations known to man, almost flew toward his house literally.  He hastily booted his computer and log on to his account.  His sign that he was praying for was granted. 

There was a message all right, two of them.

One was from Anne, and judging from her email, she was infuriated.  She was in a state like a mad bull ready to mow everyone down on her path.  She emphasized in bold and capitalized letter, “HOW DARE YOU ACCUSED ME OF SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS!  YOU’RE BELITTLING MY INTELLIGENCE AND HAVE INSULTED ME!  I’M NOT A PLAYER AND I’M AGAINST ABOUT SUCH CONDEMNABLE BEHAVIOR!!!”

The other was from her boyfriend.  Unfortunately, the message was insulting and Josh received very harsh expletives and ear-burning comments from the guy.  And adding insult to injury, the sad little boy said to Josh, “I don’t want to stoop to your level, so you better stop harassing my girlfriend if you know what’s good for you!  If you don’t stop, I’ll find where you’re working and you’ll see what’s in store for you!”

(Anne’s response is valid, but totally out of proportion.  In my experience with people, it is a way to conceal if not to bury the truth from the person who was asking a question.  Feigning anger and rage to throw the other person in a defensive stance is a devious way to hide the facts and shy away from the truth.  I know Josh knows all about this but in his current state had prevented him to think in a logical way.)

A little confused, Josh logged out from his email and logged on his favorite web site.  Possibly to forget the sting that the sad little boy had said.  Josh has the habit of when on his home page in Friendster, he clicks the section “who viewed me” to see who browsed his page.  Much to his surprise, a stranger with no photo of himself viewed him and he realized it was Anne’s sad little boy.  The poor guy also sent Josh a message on Friendster, with the same content.

That treatment didn’t stop from there, for he received numerous texts messages as days went by (obviously he was using a different number to hide his futile efforts to seduce Josh to a useless but to his level verbal combat), threatening him and insulting his intellect.  He also received some phone calls asking where and what type of products he was selling.  Strong and resilient as we have known Josh to be, he ignored those move and messages from the sad little boy.  But there were two messages that really tempted Josh to retaliate on the faceless gossip monger.  One is the message that called him “raving lunatic” and the other was (from Anne’s cell phone) “you should keep your words kind and sweet for if the time comes that you have to eat them”.

On the first message, Josh called Bernard (one of our friends in class) and advised him to calm down.  He said, “Pay no attention to the faceless guy, Josh.  You should be kind to animals.  Oh, wait!  That’s too harsh.  You should be kind to amoebas and bacteria because they only possess a simple nervous system that’s why they act that way.  Besides, I bet if you can see his face you can always be sure that the word ‘loser’ is written all over it.  So ignore them!”

The second message Josh decided to reply Anne.  He sent, “I don’t mind eating the words I said because what’s important for me is: I know when I’m wrong!”

As usual, trying to be mysterious and kind hearted, Anne replied immediately to Josh.  She said “It was my bf that first read your email and sent you those messages.  And he was the one who sent you that text message.”

Josh ignored her message doubting every word she said, shrugged his shoulders and continued on with his work.

After a few days, Josh had already known where her bf was working.  He works in a call center and from the way he was conducting himself no amount of explanation is necessary from either Anne or the pathetic sad little boy (hmm, maybe it would be applicable if we call him “loser-written-all-over-his-face-boyfriend”, that was the term coined by Bernard).  How he found out where the loser-written-all-over-his-face-boyfriend works for a short period of time, remains a mystery to us all.

Friday, came and I was surprised to see Josh in my office.  He was waiting for me in the foyer and I could see from his eyes that the fire in attaining his goals were smothered cold. 

“I don’t think I want to go to class tomorrow, Israel.”

“And why is that?”

He looked away, he was careful not to catch my eyes with his and gazed upon the numerous foreigners that often visit our office as if he was searching for the right words from them.  “You know I’ll be reporting in front of our class tomorrow.  All eyes will be upon me, especially Anne.  If I make a mistake in my report, I don’t want to be a laughing stock.”

He forced a smile and continued, “Maybe I’m just being ambitious of taking a masteral degree and all.  Maybe I should drop the act and q—“

“Now hold on a minute there, Josh!” I snapped.  I’m not eager listening to a pathetic move and thinking that’s why I didn’t let him finish his statement.

“You didn’t take this for her!  The same reason that you did not decide to further your studies is because of her!  You took this because you wanted to.  That is your dream!  Hell, you’re better than that, Josh!  You can quit anytime and I will respect that if your reason would be something else and not because that girl played on you or toyed with your feelings!  People will laugh at you because you let them win.  I for one will lose my respect for you.  We will all lose our respect for you.  The great Jedi Josh has met his downfall all because of a 110% certified player and her little loser-written-all-over-his-face-boyfriend!”

He looked at me, straight into my eyes.  I can see there was some rage in it as if he wanted to punch me in the face.  But that’s what I was counting on.  I knew I got through him.  But to add a little more salt to his already bleeding wound, “I thought it would take more than those two before you would be beaten up to a pulp, but I guess I was wrong.”

“Okay,” he began, “I’ll do anything to get over this.”

 

© 2008 by Israel Miguel G. Biscarra

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